he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
