watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
