I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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