If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
