the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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