Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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