you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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