God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
