I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
