Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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