enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
