Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
