the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize