I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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