my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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