So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
