What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
