Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
