I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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