how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
