Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
