the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
