i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
