Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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