he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
