You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Someone came in the potted fern
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
