Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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