I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
