Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
