I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
