after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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