I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
