woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
