my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
