shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
