a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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