im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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