i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
