Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
