I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
