Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
