She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
