He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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