Michael Bay diarrhea
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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