my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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