He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
