Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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