i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
