I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
