So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
