he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
