Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So apparently I’m into choking now
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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