If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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