you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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