imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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