The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
